The Things I am No Longer Allowed to do on the Tokio Hotel tour bus.

*These are not meant to be taken seriously. There were not written to insult nor are they true in any way. For those of you who want to add your own, I will be sure to credit it to the name you give me. I DO NOT OWN TOKIO HOTEL.

1. Beans are not allowed on the bus.

   • The tour bus is a tiny place.

   • Do you really want to smell Georg after bean night?

2. Pooping is not allowed.

   • See above.....

3. Don't sneak up on Tom.

   • Everyone on the bus knows how frigidity Tom gets after a scary movie and it is not polite to make fun of that.

4. Don't take Bill's eyeliner.

   • He knows where you sleep.

5. Never pull down Tom's pants.

   • He gets ideas,

   • and even

6. Do NOT mock Tom's guitar playing.

   • Only Bill can do that.

   • It only serves to upset him and he will stop playing, which only makes the band suffer.

   • He doesn't play that badly either.

   • Go mock Georg, Tom says he has no feelings.

7. Don't push Georg.

   • He's klutzy enough as is.

   • That's Tom's job anyway.

8. Don't take Bill's energy drinks.

   • He needs the energy for the show.

   • He knows where you sleep.

   • Bill doesn't need any more energy anyway....

9. Do not get Tom to spill his little secrets using alcohol.

   • It will only backfire.

10. Do NOT touch Bill's hair.

    • He's very sensitive about it.

11. Leave Gustav's laptop alone.

    • He'll go bullistic.

    • You don't want to know anyway.

    • You REALLY don't.

    • Trust me.

12. No selling tickets for a bus ride with Tokio Hotel.

    • The bus driver does not approve.

    • Jost does not approve.

    • The bus is to small.

    • Fans are loud.

    • It gives Tom ideas.

13. Never mention your cute friend that likes Tom.

    • It gives Tom ideas.

    • She'll only be hurt in the end.

    • It gives Tom ideas.

14. Never publicly listen to Nena.

    • Bill never stops playing the songs.

    • Bill sings along.

    • There are only so many times one can hear 99 Luft Balloons.

    • It makes Tom angry.

15. Don't take the gummy worms.

    • It only upsets Bill.

    • Bill knows where you sleep.

16. Never drink more than Tom.

    • He's been at it a lot longer.

    • It gives him ideas.

    • You won't remember what happened in the morning.

    • Why does my neck hurt?

17. Never try to out Diva Bill.

    • It will never work.

18. Never play country music.

    • The band mates don't get it.

    • Tom will insult you.

19. Don't cook on the bus.

    • It smells for days

    • What are you going to cook?

    • Not a whole lot of room on the bus.

    • The bus has no kitchen.

    • Bill won't eat it anyways.

It's funny, Second Chance is the very same song that I associated with this horrible ordeal. That is, before you mentioned your wish to forget me. I had honestly believed that everything would be okay in the end for everyone before that.

Let me start off with explanations and end with apologies.

 

I'm not going to lie and say that it was difficult going day to day knowing one of the people I had been so close to didn't want to ever think of me again. It wasn't exactly easy either. So many times I'd remember hanging out with you or the others and it would sadden me a little. And there were times when I'd remember something so simple and it would hit me hard enough to make me cry. I really didn't want all of this to happen, but, in a way, I'm glad it did.

Think about it. Things were set out on the table that would never have been seen or said. Neither of us (mostly me) wouldn't have seen the things about ourselves that we did. Hell, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what goes on in my mind.

I haven't been able to do what I said I would and quit mourning the past, because the past wouldn't let go. I kept having dreams that would, well, confuse and anger me. Each one would be a situation where I was doing something then you would come and start acting friendly. Each time I would wake up and think 'what the hell?' I guess part of me didn't want you to forgive me so easily. Part of me wanted the long painful talk about what happened and why it happened just for each of us to realize what was going on.

Your tough exterior did hurt. It began to hurt so much that I associated you with the song Heartless by The Fray. As the song says, “Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless.” To me this means that even though you said you wanted to forget me, you still held my heart. It's hard to lose a friend like you were, even though you never asked me if I was okay, or comforted me, you and Jessie (primarily) were the world to me. It hurt even more when Earl didn't want to talk to me in a way that I could comfortably explain myself without feeling like I was being attacked. I don't blame him for that. I realize that he just wanted the best for you, but that didn't stop the pain in my heart.

I must confess, even after that email, I still cared what was going on in your life, it helped and hurt. That is how I saw what you posted. I must also confess that each time I read yours or Jessie's journal, my heart seems to either speed up or skip a beat, especially when you mention me. I never care about weather or not your posts about me were meant to be hurtful, I just cared that you still thought of me.

I'm sure you wouldn't be able to know what it felt like to hear/read what you said to me. It hurt beyond everything else you had said. It consumed me and I pretty much stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

Each time I get bored and I'd think up some off the wall chance meeting of my current favorite band/actor, somehow, you and everyone else slips in and I imagine what would happen in different situations.
 

Situation One: You ignore me, I ignore you.

Situation Two: You talk to me in a clam manor and I do the same, we sit down and speak politely of what happened and not necessarily patch thing up, but start anew.

Situation Three: You yell and cuss at me upon which I do the same and storm away (or it gets violent which I lose every time it's thought of).

I've done this same thing with Earl and Jessie and at one point, one of the situations made me cry.

I would like to thank you for apologizing to me, but it wasn't exactly needed. What is needed is a talk, to get everything out and in the open, and a promise. If we are to eventually be friends again, we should promise to at least TRY and talk about any problem that might arise and to not get angry at one another if the other doesn't understand.

I don't know if you read my journal entries or not, but I did post on there that I have trust issues. A day after I posted that, I realized that change was not my only reason for trust issues. I was bullied way back when and I built up walls that not a whole lot of people are let through.

I'm going to warn you now, that if you do want to be friends again, I DO have trust issues, I DO have separation issues. I am a very insecure person. I try not to be and at each doubt that pops up in my mind I try to put logic to it. I DO have mood swings and I don't know when or how often they happen, I suppose that those mood swings go hand in hand with the doubt.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but even if you don't want to be my friend, it's a way to explain some behaver or actions. There are a lot of things I still can't explain, and I don't think I'll be able to explain until I get things right in my head.

To this day, I don't know exactly why I decided I “didn't need you” in the first place. I do know, that PART of the reason I wanted to break things off most recently was because I didn't want to continue feeling like I had the world on my shoulders. I FELT like I was the only one trying to pull the pieces back together both before and after the first epidemic.

And this is just the start of the roller coaster ride, because I can predict that if something like this happens again, I'm not going to be able to stick to my word. I realize (just) now, I need you and Jessie. The two of you burrowed so deep in my heart that I feel like I can't really live without you. And I never will be able to, even if this doesn't end with us starting over. I'll never be able to live without those memories. There are so many things that remind me of Neko, and Jessie, and you and Earl.

Every friendship has their problems, but I doubt that one as big as this has ever been a problem in any one else's life but ours.
 

As an end to this long letter, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for ever doubting you or Jessie. I can't seem to help that, I doubt everything now and again.

I'm sorry for being an emotional wreck.

I'm sorry for pretending.

I am honest to God sorry (I can never apologize enough for this) for not telling you what was going through my mind. Part of me doubts that it wouldn't have changed anything and part of me thinks this wouldn't have happened at all had I talked.

Here's to you getting this, and reading this, and understanding this.

I miss you, I love you, you will forever be in my heart,

Diana

Poor Brigit is so sick. My mom's dog is 13 years old and on the brink of death. It's amazing she's held on this long, but she's got the good life. My mom loves this dog so much.

Now, Brigit is sick, and we know she's sick because she hasn't eaten in about 3 days. She even turned down bacon, which she loves. She's drinking lots of water and such but she doesn't want to eat.

I feel so bad for her, because every time she looks at me I feel like I can tell she's suffering. Lately she's been staring me directly in the eyes with such a sad and pathetic look on her face. I keep telling my mom that she needs to put Brigit down, but sadly, we don't have the money nor does mom have the want to.

So I'm worried about Brigit. Poor thing dies nothing but sleep.